Infidelity is any action that breaches an unspoken or explicit agreement between two partners. We have all heard about stories of romantic infidelity. One spouse cheats on another, leading to a destructive breach of trust and, in many cases, the end of the relationship. But what happens when the cheating is financial?
FINANCIAL INFIDELITY happens when someone deliberately lies about money to a spouse or partner with whom they share joint finances. This type of dishonesty can be as harmful to a relationship as romantic infidelity and it is a lot more common than you may think.
What is Financial Infidelity?
Just like romantic infidelity, financial dishonesty in a relationship includes certain transgressions that are done without your partner’s knowledge. These include lying about your financial debt, or hiding and financial information your partner should know about.
For example, regular spending money from your joint savings account to fund your compulsive shopping addiction without your partner’s knowledge is a common example of financial infidelity. Once such shopping can be excused, but repeated or large scale financial infidelity can lead to a loss of trust, arguments, or end of the relationship.
Let’s explore some common ways of financial infidelity can happen in a relationship:
- Making significant purchases without telling your partner or lying about the true cost of your purchases.
- Accumulating debt without telling your spouse.
- Lying about how much you earn and keeping a large portion of it for yourself.
- Keeping secret bank accounts, credit cards, or loans.
- Hiding cash from your spouse.
- Hiding an addiction like gambling or shopping.
You may have notices all these behaviours have one thing in common- your partner would probably not approve any of them, which is why many people keep them a secret.
Common Warning Signs of Financial Infidelity
Unfortunately, it is increasingly easy to hide debt, overspending, and many other financial wrongdoings. Sometimes, your intuition and a few telltale signs are all you have, help you spot financial infidelity. Here are some common warning signs to look for:
- Frequent cash withdrawals- Noticing consistent significant cash withdrawals from your joint accounts that your spouse can not account for.
- Defensive behaviour- Your partner becomes defensive, silent, or changes topic when finances topic crops up.
- Secretive behavior- Your spouse starts acting secretive about their banking information, bill payments, and anything else involving money. For example, if they rush to check the mail every time it lands at the door, they could be hiding a secret credit card bill or loan they don’t want you to know about.
- A lifestyle change- Although there is no change in income, your partner is spending more than usual on trips, gifts, or other lavish discretionary purchases.
- Removal from an account- Your partner has removed your name from a joint account or credit card without telling you.
All of these are signs that something is wrong, and financial infidelity is likely to be part of it.
Why Does Financial Infidelity Happen?
Although financial infidelity hurts the person on the receiving end. Generally people hide their financial transgressions because they are ashamed of what their partner might think and want to avoid confrontation. The discomfort of money-related conversations, especially when you are ashamed of your actions, encourages financial dishonesty. And the deeper you go, the harder is to come clean. In some cases, people use financial manipulation to gain power over their partners. When this happens, financial infidelity can become financial abuse. For example, if one partner is in charge of al the finances and uses their spouse’s paycheck for their own benefit without asking, is a financial abuse.
Financial infidelity can seriously affects the relationship.
The breach of trust causes a lot of financial stress in a relationship. For example, if you have a gambling problem and accumulate a lot of debt, your debt also becomes your partner’s debt. This financial infidelity will likely affect couple’s financial security too.
How Should Couple Deal with this?
Consider these steps, if you have decided to work together to over come financial infidelity:
- Have regular money talks- The only way to repair the trust that was broken, and making relationship to move forward is through regular and open dialogue.. The more you do it, the less is the chance of money talks becoming taboo.
- Discuss, how to budget money, how to get out of debt, changing spending habits, short and long term financial goals etc.
- Consider counseling- If there is problem in talks, consider financial therapy. A financial therapist or counselor has the tools and expertise to help you and your partner to come out of the mess.
- Build a recovery plan together- If financial infidelity has caused some debt, you will have to discuss with your partner and come up with debt repayment plan.
Finally, financial infidelity can be just as devastating as romantic betrayal. The best antidote is honest and frequent communication around money. If you have decided to move on, start rebuilding a solid foundation for your relationship and break the taboo of money conversations.
And lastly, choosing to a forgive a financially unfaithful partner is ultimately a personal decision.
Waiting for your feedback on this blog.
Anil Malik
Mumbai, India
2nd September 2024