SHARING GRIEF
When someone known to us is in grief, we all feel for them and want to help them. They could be our family members, friends, or neighbours, and our intentions to help are genuine. Often, we struggle with what to do and how we can help them. Sometimes, we feel that they might consider our involvement as an intrusion into their privacy, as they want to be alone. At other times, we wonder if they are feeling isolated, having proper meals or not, etc. Grief is a universal emotion, and often, when people around us grieve, it affects us too.
Some people reach out for help, but many do not. We have to take calls on proactively reaching out to help based on the signs of grief shown by people. As they say, if intentions are genuine, you will most likely succeed in helping people. They may not be able to overcome the grief. However, you can always support and help them deal with it better by being there. So here are a few tips to help people who are grieving:
Act Compassionately
Forget about, how I face this person/s, simply contact them and tell them that you know they have lost someone. Act compassionately and reach out, and do not avoid the topic. Care and compassion can work wonders in helping a grieving person. Please visit if possible, as that is the best way to tell them you are with them. A warm hug, a strong clasp of hands, and a silent I am with you can go a long way in helping people who grieve. Calling and texting is the next best way to do it if you can not visit. By doing this, you are saying that I am here to listen, to be with you, to help you deal with it, etc.
In this step, it is also important not to go by the societal stereotypes of people grieving. Every person has a different way of dealing with grief. Some give up eating, and some overeat. Some block reality, while others worry about it. Some accept immediately, while others may take a long time. Some deal with it practically, others emotionally. Hence, impress upon them that it is ok for them to grieve the way they want and you will support them in whatever ways you can. Remember, coming out of grief can not be a time-bound process. It is a gradual process and requires patience. So, if you want to help, you should also be prepared for the long haul.
Offer Concrete Assistance
While they are grieving, routine things need to be get done. It could be paying the bills, getting grocery refills, running errands, cooking, childcare, laundry, etc. are some of the things you can help with. They may not ask. Instead, you could offer to do and go ahead and do it if there is no objection. Always respect their decisions. Sometimes, you might have to ensure that they eat, sleep, and carry on with routine life, as that is also part of the healing process. If they need help sorting matters of the deceased person, then that is also concrete assistance you can provide.
Be Willing to Listen
Often, all grieving people want to do is talk and get things out of their system. They may also talk about their anxiety about the future. All you have to do is listen and support. You do not have to counsel or fix things just because they say something. They may not be thinking coherently. Thinking out loud in front of others may be their way of working things through, so just let that happen. It is best if they eventually work it out and find solutions by themselves. You can support them to do so. The bottom line is that you need not talk and may have to learn to listen actively.
Check it Often
If you are not staying nearby, please text them often to ask if they are ok. There could be bad days like birthdays, anniversaries, etc., when they may miss the deceased more. Remember the dates and check in to make sure they are doing fine. Even if you feel that the person has healed and moved on, these can trigger fresh ways of grief. Hence, watch the person’s behavior and keep up the conversations to help them through.
Some common signs of grief are social withdrawal, crying, sleep issues, not eating proper meals, overeating in stress and weight gain, disinterest in the job, etc. If you see such signs, you can gently probe and support them through grieving.
Waiting for your views on this blog.
Anil Malik
Mumbai, India
17th April, 2023